Untitled - March 24, 2025
00:00:00 Unknown: Hi, I'm Denise, a mom, a wife, a business owner, a friend, a sister, a recovering perfectionist, and host of the Working Moms Redefined podcast, Thank you for being here. Let's join together in community as we break free from the mom guilt that so many of us feel and thrive in our fulfilling careers and raising good kids. Your words have power. Hi. Thanks for joining us. You realize the impact that you have on your child, children, partner, your team members, You honestly have so much influence and I bet you're probably not giving yourself enough credit for it. While we realize that influence is something that we strive to make sure that it is positive a majority of the time. My fingers are crossed at least. Influence can look different for everyone. Influence, for me, in the beginning when I first was introduced to this terminology, I said, I do not want to be an Instagram influencer. Because traditionally that, honestly not traditionally, uh, in current states, That's what I think of when I think of influence when traditionally it's a person of stature who has A demeanor of leadership, of qualities that we want and aspire to attain. That's influence. And you have it. You might not give yourself enough credit for the way in which you have it, but you do. That is me pouring into you so that the self-talk that you tell yourself improves day in and day out because our words, they are our identity. Our self-talk is so very important and I have no doubt you as a high achieving working mom Make sure the words and phrases you use with your children, with your team member, with your partner, as long as they're not irritating you, are very thought out. You are intentional. Yet with yourself. I bet you're pretty hard on yourself. Our self-talk has so much power in our brains because what we think is how we act. And if you think of yourself from time to time as Not being good enough. Failing at XYZ. Not showing up to the things that you want or think you need to show up for. You are going to believe it and act it out. The thought process of this yellow bus theory, if you're unfamiliar, the yellow bus or your favorite car theory is when you go out and you buy a new vehicle, You probably love it for several reasons. For me, I love our car because not a lot of people have it. Yet when you go buy a car, you get said car, what do you see every moment when you're driving down the road? You see your car. Well, now you're looking for it. You are aware of it. Where previously, before, you were starting the car shopping process, you saw your options, you surveyed the area, then you picked which one you want, and then you see it everywhere. Do you see where I'm getting... When we tell ourselves positive thoughts, encouraging thoughts, we see it in the world, we act it out in the world, and we lean in to make that the person that we are. It is hard. Don't for a second think that I myself do not give myself a hard time when it comes to negative self-talk. I do it. That is part of the reason why this podcast was created, remember? I wasn't the mom that my mom was. And that's okay. Yet from time to time, not only do I still Hear that teeny tiny little voice in the back of my mind peep through, I find myself thinking, oh, if I did X, Y, Z, I would be there more so for them. Give you an example. Right before I recorded this podcast episode, the school nurse called me. Every working parent knows that immediate reaction that we have when the school nurse or the school The phone number shows up on our phone. Instantly, it's what's wrong. And his tummy hurt. Hudson's tummy hurt. He was not feeling great. We went through all of the qualifiers, if you will, right? Did you just eat something? Did you go too fast on the merry-go-round? Did you poop? All of these things. And then I see it in his eyes. And I say, buddy, you look like you're gonna cry. Do you feel like you're gonna throw up? No, mommy, I don't. Well, little did the school nurse know, I left for a trip or I'm leaving for a trip. I'm leaving for a trip tonight. I'm gonna be away for twenty-four hours. He doesn't like it. So then I asked him, I said, buddy. Are you afraid about mommy leaving? Are you going to miss mommy? And then, of course, his little face melted and he knew that mommy knew. Now, again, mom guilt was felt heavier in that moment. Yet the words I chose after that could have totally changed the way that he viewed that scenario. I could have easily said, you're gonna be fine. Go back to school. Oh, I don't have time for this, Hudson. Go back to class. Or, did you poop? Why don't you just go try pooping and then let me know? Did maybe those thoughts cross my mind? That frustration? Of all of those scenarios, not this time, but they used to, I used to think. From time to time, that sickness from the kids was a burden on me. And I'm sure they felt it. And in this moment, instead of giving in to that mom guilt that I felt of, man, this would be easier if I did not travel for work from time to time. Instead, I looked at him and I said, Putty. Hmm. I'm so sorry that your tummy hurts. My tummy would hurt too if I was gonna miss my mommy. And you know what? My heart is hurting because I do miss you too. Every moment of every day. And I can't wait to see you. I validated his feelings, guys. He knew what actions needed to be taken next. All he wanted was to know what, what he, that he was feeling was okay. I did not learn this overnight. I didn't even learn this when I was at the radio station. I learned it through marriage counseling and the power in which it holds not only in marriages, but with that relationship with our kids is mind boggling. Now, who knows how the rest of the evening went? I chose not to check in too much because we know exactly what would happen. There would never be a moment of mom, mom, go away, right? They were fine. Yet the self-talk that we tell ourselves after scenarios like that can change the trajectory of our day. It could have for him and it could have for me. Did I find myself fighting that thought of my mom never left? Much like we discussed in episode two. Yeah. Yeah, not as much as I used to. Did I realize that I was showing them and equipping them with confidence to know that they can do hard things? You betcha. If I let that stuff eat me, if you let those thoughts, those negative thoughts eat you, That will become your identity and your identity is your threshold. You either can't push through it or you blow right past it. What are you gonna do? If you change the thought that you are telling yourself to I'm not good enough to I am good enough I wonder, I wonder not only how your trajectory of your day would go, but of your life. And that is the same thing for our kids. When we. Live out positive emotions, whether that's through the self-talk that we tell ourselves or the words that we use, it shapes their identity just like it does yours. We are much easier to give positive emotions to others than to ourselves because back burner, right? Yet when we use positive words that produce feelings, positive emotions like pride or love or encouragement, they're tiny little brains. Form thoughts that shape their identity. Think of the Inside Out and Inside Out two movies. When she infers thoughts from emotional situations, those become her values. So when we Encourage prideful moments or lovable moments or encouraging thoughts. Buddy, that was amazing. You did a great job. Way to work through this day. He then believes that he is resilient. That thought of good job, buddy, you did a hard thing produces a value in him that he knows that he is resilient. When you give trust to your kids. They learn and believe that they are responsible. It's hard. Especially for me as a working mom because I've learned that I have a hard time trusting people. Probably out of control. Issues, might I add. Yet, when I give the kids situations or opportunities to build trust, man, that smile on their face is huge. One situation that we have Recently been implementing with Sydney is on the weekends after we put her to bed. I said, hey, do you want to read for fifteen more minutes all by yourself? In your room with your nightlight. And then I'm going to trust you that in fifteen minutes, when that clock says 745, you're going to put it away and you're going to go to bed. You guys, simple, simple scenario, simple way to test the trust. Has compounded not only in her ability to believe that she's responsible, but the confidence that she can do hard things and that she is building trust within herself. All because I let her take the ownership of reading and turning her light off when I asked her to. We love the positive of this for our children. And yet we both know that negative emotions also shape our children's identities. Why wouldn't it? It shapes ours. I mess up. With word choice. Later we're going to talk about ways in which we can swap words out to have more of a positive mindset, not only for our self-talk, but for the conversations that we have with our kids. And I want to let you know right now that sometimes when I get frustrated, I am not quiet about it. For me, not only is frustration felt or seen through the words I use, I'm a breath. The sigh. My mom did that. I now do it too. To the point where I don't like it. I don't like that I do this. I didn't like it when my mom did it. And yet I have a really hard time stopping. Whether this was the right thing to do or not, I asked Sydney, I said, hey, when you notice that I breathe heavy and you feel as if it is in response to something you did or said, please draw attention to that. I wanna know. Might be hard and scary, yet I wanna know. And she did from time to time, and I've touch points with her. Hey, is that getting better? Either she's just gotten so used to it or she's forgotten, but hopefully it's because it has gotten better. Yet when we are frustrated with our children, that can generate a core thought of I'm a burden. Of course they think that they would be a burden after I breathe heavily like that. I feel like I created that thought process in them. And it's true. And I want to work on it. And it's hard. These things that you might experience that are negative, that shape their identity. You and I both know you don't want to keep doing it. And yet if you knew how to stop, I know you would. You can't make a decision today and expect it to be completely fixed tomorrow. I challenge you to consider is there something that you are doing that is negative Action or phrase that is producing a reaction on your children's part. Observe. If you were to speak disappointment from time to time, I don't know about you, but If I got in trouble from my parents, I am mad at you. One was never said. And two, I don't know if it would really hold that much weight for me. It was the, I am disappointed in you. Oh, Take me now, right? Yet. Disappointment for me now is an Enneagram three and learning more all about that. I don't like to disappoint people. I like to provide exceptional experiences. And if I don't do that, people feel disappointed. And then I feel as if I'm not enough. Why would our kids be any different? I'm not sharing these thoughts with you to make you feel as if you are not good enough because I am not disappointed in you. I know that you have the ability to make adjustments. I know it's another thing on your to-do list. Yet I also know the power of what happens when you are intentional with your, your words, your thoughts, and your time with yourself and with your children. You then begin to speak and lead both at home and work with a higher level of confidence. It is a way to feel so much more optimistic. Honestly, it's more motivating for both you and I to want to go do what we can describe and label as enough. And I want to make this very clear. It's never too late. It is never too late to learn and make adjustments in your own lifestyle. You can become more intentional with your words. Let's dial in specifically. There's a lot of ways that you can be more intentional with your kids, with your partner, with yourself. In today's episode, we're going to talk specifically how to be more intentional with our words that we use both for our self-talk as working moms and for our children. Because remember, it shapes their identity. One of the moments that will forever stand out in my mind as holding true to this identity statement, if you will, is when Cindy was in kindergarten. That was, let's see, 2023. And lucky for us, we never dealt with COVID in schools. They were young enough. They were at home with me. And so I tell you that to kind of be aware of what season of life your child is in because maybe they missed some developmental opportunities or maybe they missed some social opportunities and that's honestly as parents where we Should need and get to take that on ourselves to make an impact. And I know that you want to. So as she got off the bus from kindergarten that day, I was home, of course, to greet her because I was not missing that first day of school smile off the school bus. She walked in, we unpacked her book bag, we got her homework out, the whole shebang, right? We got it all ready, saw the little paper crown that she colored on her head, and we went about our day. At dinner that night, we're sitting around the table and talking about the first day of school and how exciting it was and how much fun it was going to be the next day and all of those things that you and I both know as a kindergartner. Are paramount. So as we're wrapping up dinner and we are talking about plans for the next day, Sydney looked at me and she said, mommy, do I have to go to school tomorrow? Instantly. If you're on our YouTube channel, you just saw the amount of movement that went into that excitement, if you will. All of my training from Maxwell Leadership kicked into gear, plus all of the years, of course, of working on the radio station and learning the hard way as to which words not to say, but we won't get into that right now. Nonetheless, I was very excited to share with her an opportunity that would forever impact her. Did I truly realize its depth of impact? Probably not in this moment. Yet, when she said, mommy, do I have to go to school tomorrow? I said, sweetheart, no, you don't have to go to school. You get to go to school. And you know how those little kids, they're so darn cute, look at you for further clarification with their head tilted to the side and their eyebrows furrowed down. And she said, huh? And I said, sweetie, we get to go to school tomorrow. Again, that was in 2023. To this day, she still has not said, mommy, do I have to go to school tomorrow? For all of you working parents out there that have children that are over the age of, I don't know, fourth grade, and you're thinking, you know, wait until they get into different work. I'm not saying that that will never change. I'm saying right now that she looks at school days as an opportunity, as something that she gets to do. And I believe it started from that very moment of correcting and adjusting the I have to's To the I get twos. I would honestly challenge you to say it's not super enjoyable when you apply it in all areas of life. Do I do this from time to time? Question my thought process as to sharing this knowledge with her? Absolutely. Especially when she says, oh, or when I say, Dad did not take out the trash. I have to take out the trash this morning. And then she stops and tells me, Mommy, you get to take out the trash. I'm so thankful that you listened to me, Sydney. I appreciate you so much. Yeah, when we look at life as things that we get to do instead of things that we have to do, we look at life more joyful. We look at life as more of an opportunity and as more of That's a thing that we are eager to do and that joy lives out in our actions because of it. And that is so beautiful. When you can apply that simple word swap and considering the differences between opportunities and problems, your self-talk and your children's will improve. When we look at problems in our world, that list is long. Let's tailor it down. Let's go a little bit more magnified to problems within your home. We all have them. Don't act like you don't. I, our problem, Well, let's just pick the most recent one, right? Our latest problem is the kids getting and continuing to get out of bed after we've already put them to bed. I feel as if that's a disrespect problem. Yet, My husband so sweetly reminded me the other day that I just love you so much, Denise. They want to spend more time with you. I get it. I really get it. But like, I want to spend time with only me too. You know what I mean? However. It's things like that where the mind shift are so important. In that moment, I could not look at the kids getting up after we put them to bed as anything more than a sign of disrespect. Whereas Jeremy looked at it as an opportunity for them to connect with their mommy once more. I was viewing it as a problem, not an opportunity. Did I feel a little lighter? Did I breathe a little lighter when I saw them not long after I put them to bed that night? Yeah. Because my mind shift changed the trajectory not only of my night but of my actions. Now, I would encourage you that if you don't have someone to hold yourself accountable like that, first of all, you have you do that too. That's what, that's what I'm here for. Connect with us on socials. Send us a message. We love doing so because we learn best in community. And it is important for us to view life's problems as opportunities because a person who views problems as opportunities doesn't doubt whether he or she is going to work through it. You know you will. And you're gonna do it. What a confidence builder. I love it. And because I don't want to spend and overwhelm you too very much, we'll wrap up with The word just, this is my signature removal of words, guys. I talk about this often in the speeches that I give when I connect with people and say, I want to speak as well as you do. First of all, Thank you. That's so kind. I appreciate that. I mess up as well. And I've been doing this for so many years. I have been speaking publicly for, I mean, since I was eighteen I don't want to do quick math. It takes practice. Lucky for you, you don't have to go practice in front of hundreds of thousands of people on a radio station and learn, you know, that U.S. State Representative Boehner is said that way and not boner. Ask me how I know. Nonetheless, Word choice is important and that includes the removal of words in your vocabulary. I think back to when I was, it was, I was either six or eight. I can't remember. But we grew up across the road from my grandma Sharon. And we were playing games. Dee's diner. And at that point in time, on a landline, you dialed the number, you hung up, and it rang the other phone in the other room. For this scenario, we were in the living room, my sister and I, and Grandma Sharon was in the kitchen. And so we were playing Dee's Diner. I was calling to order my breakfast that day. So I dialed the phone number. I hung up, it rang in the other room, and I picked it back up. And Grandma Sharon on the other line said, Dee's Diner, what can I get you? Hey, Grandma, it's just Denise. I wanted to get, and she goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. She said, remove the word just in front of your name. You are a person of value. You are a person of worth. Again, I was under the age of ten I hung up the phone. I was very confused. And I thought, what just happened? Well, I wanted to keep playing, so I tried to get. I picked up the phone, I dialed the phone number, I hung up, it rang in the other room, and Grandma answered. And she said, D's Diner. And I said, hey, it's Denise. I just wanted to order some bacon. I mean, I wanted to order some bacon and I just want pancake. I just, I mean, I lost it. I could not include the word just. And then my grandma said, Denise, remove the word just from your vocabulary. You are a person of value. You are a person of worth. Mind-boggling thoughts, guys. Now, if you're thinking, okay, wait, how can I apply that to my life currently? We're not playing Dee's Diner anymore under the age of ten as maybe most of us wish we still were. Yet I think to when I was in sales. I knew this when I was in sales at a radio station. Yet I didn't apply it. I think about how many proposals I sent off with follow-up emails that said, hey, it's Denise. Just wanted to check in and see if you all had any questions. I'm happy to answer any of them. Just let me know. Thanks, Denise. It's fine. I obviously did an okay job selling there. Yet I wonder how different it could have been if I removed the word just. And instead said, hey, it's Denise. So nice to meet with you last week. I appreciate your time and consideration. Should you have any questions, let's set up a follow-up call to connect. Thanks so much, Denise. I'm not mean. I am not degrading. I am direct and still intentional with my words. And I removed the word just from the email. Now I don't have any ROI or close rate comparisons to be able to tell you what shifted from those thought processes or those times or what might happen for you. But what I do know is that when you remove the word just from your emails, From your text messages and your vocabulary, you give power back to your words and your self-worth. Just Denise never leaves my mouth anymore. Will you find me saying just from time to time in my vocabulary? Absolutely. It is not a... Quick fix, if you will. Plus sometimes I like to give emphasis to words by saying, can you believe what just happened? Versus can you believe what happened? Like the impact is not there. You get my point. When the word just in front of the word or the proper noun or whatever it is in front of negates it, take it away. Take it away and your self-talk will improve because you are not just Deanne. You are not just a mom. You are not just a what? Fill in the blank. You are not just a mom. You are a working mom who loves and cares for her family so very much and when your words Can impact your self-talk. It will impact your actions. It will impact the way in which you speak with your children. And it will impact their lives. I see our kids use these phrases day in and day out. I don't love it when Hudson, not too long ago, Didn't enjoy my lunch packing option. We were out of broccoli. Well, he wanted broccoli yet I had carrots. So he was getting carrots and he saw me packing his lunch for the next day. And he said, mommy, Considered broccoli for lunch tomorrow instead of carrots. I looked at him and I was like, you are six and a half. Where did that come from? Well, let's be honest. It came from me. And although I laughed, I was so very appreciative of him not saying, Mom, no, I don't want carrots. Versus. Considered maybe packing broccoli with ranch instead of carrots. It almost made me want to go buy him broccoli at the store that's twenty minutes away. That's how different it is when you use positive word choice. You are able to make an impact as a working mom in this way. When we are intentional with the words that we use not only for ourselves, But with our children, you are able to feel as if you are doing good enough. Who doesn't want that? You've got to hold yourself accountable. I know you will. But let's do it together. We are very excited for the upcoming weeks within Working Moms Redefined. We have so many plans for all of us, especially one to join in community. Because when these conversations happen around a table, change happens faster. And when I say change, I want to make it very clear. Who you are and what you do today as that working parent is good. You are not doing it wrong or bad. Yet, when we join together, We do it with more compassion towards ourself. We up level ourselves. When you apply these words, you're making yourself even better. But do not think for a second that you are not good enough right now. Because you are. You absolutely are. Three simple swaps that you can start making tomorrow. Remove the word just from your vocabulary. Look at problems as opportunities and start saying I get to do things instead of I have to do things. You will see your lives change. Mine did. Our kids have. Here before long, they're not going to remember a time before. We get to do things. We don't have to do things. And yours can be today. Your adjustment, your new, if you will, can be today. It is a pleasure for getting to share these tips and tricks with you. I believe that all of us have such knowledge to share and you are showing up to learn. Man. You're my kind of people. Thank you for being here. If by chance any of these words or phrases really resonate with you, share this episode. I oftentimes like to send my husband episodes and say, hey, let's talk about this later. Read or listen to this and then we are going to talk about it. I know he listens to every darn episode I send him. Nonetheless, I would be so honored if you would choose to share this with your friends, with another working mom, Or with someone who you think could maybe even hear these word swaps for their own personal self-talk. It matters. And I want to celebrate you. Connect with us on social media. We are on Instagram. We are on Facebook. You can watch these episodes on YouTube. There are so many ways for us to connect. Don't hesitate. Visit workingmomsredefined.com, sign up for our email, and we will pour into you as much as possible. While also celebrating the wins that you have by deleting just from your next text message. I talked about ways today, obviously, to give power to yourself. Talk through the power of your words. Next week's guest gives power to our words with lipstick. You heard me right. We are going to learn From House of Color owner, Nicole Allen. What happens when we put lipstick on our lips? The mind is a brilliant source of information and when our minds or those that we are talking with see lipstick on our lips, oh, you just gotta wait. See, the just there is adding suspense, if you will, to next week's episode with Nicole Allen. She's going to share tips as to how to improve not only the way that we look, but also The way that we know we look about ourselves because it's a mind game. And plus we want to add that lipstick on to give power to our words. And remember. You can do hard things.
